Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Worry

I can't stop thinking lately. And worrying. I'm worrying about whether or not Kieran will ever be weaned, then I worry about how I'll feel when he is. I worry he'll never get over his separation anxiety, then I worry about whether he'll love me when he doesn't need me. I worry about how I'll get through another day of a nine-month-old who needs me CONSTANTLY, then I worry about him getting growing so fast. Worry...worry...worry. 

 So many moms I know just seem to absolutely love being a mom. I do love my son, and I think I love it overall. But, my goodness, it is hard! Harder than I ever imagined it would be. I don't know how so many moms just seem to have it all together. I don't. I feel like I'm drowning 90% of the time. Okay...take that back, 99% of the time. And then I get back to the worrying and worry that I'm just not enjoying it enough. That I'm not enjoying the experience enough, after all, I hear constantly that it goes by SO FAST, as if I don't know that at this point. 

I do enjoy the small moments--those moments where a little face with milk dripping down his cheek looks up at me and grins a half-toothless grin and whispers, those moments where he pulls up on something (He is indiscriminate about what he pulls up on at this point...a bra strap, a table, a toy, etc.) and makes excited little "haaa haaa haaa" sounds, those moments where he focuses and touches a new texture with his tiny index finger, and those moments where he just wants cuddles from his mommy. I love this boy so much it feels like I will explode. Btw, I am utterly repulsed at myself for perpetuating the constant mom-isms ("you blink and they are grown up," "You'll love them so much you won't believe it," etc.) that will drive you NUTS as a first time mom. But most of them are true. You worry. You love. You want more sleep, but you wouldn't give up the quiet night time moments. You want the waking up constantly to end, but you DREAD the last time you will get up to feed that baby. It's an absolutely insane experience and I think in the end it will be worth it...at least at this point, I have hope it will.